Hemorrhoids: Everything You Never Wanted to Know but Definitely Should
Hemorrhoids—also known as piles—are swollen veins in the rectum and anus that can cause discomfort, itching, pain, and even bleeding. They’re nature’s inconvenient little way of reminding us that life isn’t fair. One day, you’re living your best life, and the next, you’re sitting on a bag of frozen peas Googling “why does it feel like I’m sitting on a cactus?”
The good news? They’re completely treatable, and you don’t have to suffer in silence (or while wincing in the bathroom). Let’s break down everything you need to know about hemorrhoids—without the awkward small talk.
What Are Hemorrhoids?
Hemorrhoids are swollen blood vessels located in the lower rectum or around the anus. You can think of them as varicose veins, but in a much more unfortunate place. There are two main types:
Types of Hemorrhoids
Internal Hemorrhoids – Located inside the rectum, these are the stealth bombers of the hemorrhoid world. You may not feel them, but they can make their presence known with painless rectal bleeding or an unpleasant surprise during a bowel movement.
External Hemorrhoids – Found under the skin around the anus, these are the drama queens of hemorrhoids. They itch, swell, and hurt, especially when sitting down.
Thrombosed Hemorrhoids – When an external hemorrhoid forms a blood clot, you’ll know it. The pain can be intense, and it may feel like you’re sitting on a marble you definitely didn’t put there.
Prolapsed Hemorrhoids – Internal hemorrhoids that push out of the anus like they’re trying to escape. Sometimes they go back in on their own, and sometimes they need a little help (or medical attention).
What Causes Hemorrhoids? (AKA Why Is This Happening to Me?)
Hemorrhoids develop when too much pressure is put on the veins in the rectal area. This can be caused by:
Straining during bowel movements (because you thought forcing it was the answer)
Sitting on the toilet too long (scrolling through your phone for 20 minutes isn’t helping)
Chronic diarrhea or constipation (your digestive system keeps changing the game)
Pregnancy (as if pregnancy didn’t bring enough surprises, let’s add hemorrhoids to the mix)
Obesity (excess weight puts extra pressure on those veins)
Low-fiber diet (if your meals don’t include fiber, your toilet time includes struggle)
Heavy lifting (whether it’s weights or heavy grocery bags, be careful!)
Symptoms of Hemorrhoids
If you’re reading this, you’re probably already experiencing some symptoms. Here’s what to watch for:
Bright red blood when wiping or in the toilet (don’t panic—it’s common with internal hemorrhoids)
Itching or irritation around the anus (fun times)
Swelling and lumps near the anal opening (especially with external hemorrhoids)
Pain or discomfort (sitting, standing, and existing can all be uncomfortable)
Mucus discharge after a bowel movement
Feeling like something is “down there” when it shouldn’t be (prolapsed hemorrhoids)
How Are Hemorrhoids Diagnosed?
If you’re experiencing symptoms, a doctor can diagnose hemorrhoids with:
Physical Examination: A visual check for external hemorrhoids.
Digital Rectal Exam: A doctor (wearing gloves, don’t worry) will feel inside the rectum for abnormalities.
Anoscopy or Sigmoidoscopy: A small camera is used to get a closer look at internal hemorrhoids.
Home Remedies and Lifestyle Changes
Most mild cases of hemorrhoids can be managed at home with some simple adjustments. Here’s what helps:
1. Increase Fiber Intake
Fiber helps keep things moving without the struggle. Try:
Whole grains (oats, brown rice, whole wheat bread)
Fruits & vegetables (apples, berries, spinach, carrots)
Legumes (beans, lentils, chickpeas)
Pro Tip: Drink lots of water—fiber without water = constipation.
2. Sitz Baths
A warm sitz bath (soaking in warm water for 15-20 minutes) can relieve irritation and swelling. Do this 2-3 times a day for maximum comfort.
3. Topical Treatments
Over-the-counter creams, ointments, and suppositories help reduce swelling and irritation. Look for products with:
Hydrocortisone (anti-inflammatory)
Witch hazel (soothing)
Lidocaine (pain relief)
4. Cold Compresses
Applying an ice pack wrapped in a towel to the area can reduce swelling and numb pain—especially for external hemorrhoids.
5. Avoid Straining on the Toilet
Don’t sit for too long—limit toilet time to 5 minutes.
Use a stool softener if constipation is an issue.
Consider a squatty potty for better posture while going.
When to Seek Medical Treatment
If home treatments don’t work, doctors offer several effective treatments:
1. Rubber Band Ligation
A small rubber band is placed around an internal hemorrhoid, cutting off circulation so it shrinks and falls off within a few days.
2. Sclerotherapy
A chemical solution is injected into the hemorrhoid to shrink it.
3. Infrared Coagulation (IRC)
A heat-based treatment that shrinks hemorrhoidal tissue.
4. Hemorrhoidectomy
Surgical removal of large, painful hemorrhoids—often recommended for thrombosed or prolapsed hemorrhoids.
5. Stapled Hemorrhoidopexy
A less painful alternative to hemorrhoidectomy that staples prolapsed hemorrhoids back into place.
Preventing Hemorrhoids
If you never want to experience The Hemorrhoid Horror again, prevention is key:
Eat a fiber-rich diet (your bowels will thank you).
Stay hydrated (water keeps stools soft).
Exercise regularly (get the blood moving).
Go when you need to (ignoring nature’s call = bad idea).
Avoid heavy lifting (or at least lift properly).
Final Thoughts
Hemorrhoids are common and treatable, but let’s be honest—no one wants to deal with them. Whether you’re managing them at home or seeking medical treatment, there are plenty of ways to find relief and avoid future flare-ups.
If your symptoms persist or worsen, talk to a doctor to explore your options. And remember: you’re not alone in this. Even kings and emperors throughout history have dealt with hemorrhoids. So take care of yourself, eat some fiber, and get off the toilet already!
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